I remember it all so well except the date of my abortion, not even the month. I find that interesting because I always remember dates, birthdates, anniversaries, etc. When I found out I was pregnant, I was living alone in St. Louis, Missouri trying to adjust to my first-time teaching job and life in a big city. When the doctor confirmed what I already knew, this wave of panic took over. I remember immediately asking where I could get an abortion. He told me but let me know that he was pro-life and that I should reconsider. In my panicked state, I saw no other choice. Fear drove me to believe that I would lose my job, be forced to move back in with my parents, be ashamed, and on and on. Not for a minute did I consider that there might be help available.

Immediately I called the abortion clinic and set up my appointment. I was disappointed to find out I had to wait a few weeks. During those weeks, I forced myself not to think about what was about to happen. Finally, the day of my appointment arrived. I was so relieved! When I entered the clinic, no one was there to council me or even give me information on what was about to happen. The Doctor just said, “Let me see if I can help you.” I was given anesthetic and before I knew it, my problem was solved, or so I thought.

That evening, the weight of what I had done started to settle in. I experienced a darkness I had never experienced before. Shame, guilt, and grief overtook me. After several days I decided it was time to move on. However, I found out that was easier said than done. I had to tell someone what I had done! My pastor from my hometown church was more than happy to talk to me. He assured me that I was forgiven and that I must forgive myself. After all, if God forgives me then I should follow His example. The only problem was I didn’t know how.

Since I didn’t know how to forgive myself, I decided to try me best every day to be a perfect little “good girl.” Of course, I failed often and became very angry and frustrated. I tried counseling which helped, but I still found myself trying to earn my approval and the approval of others.

A few years later I married my husband who two children from a previous marriage. The next year their mother passed away, so I took on the roll of mother full time. Trying to be the perfect mother did not work for me either. Anger and frustration took over again!

After years of the same dance of anger and frustration, I finally decided something had to change. My church was offering prayer appointments. I signed up right away. During my appointments, other trained individuals revealed to me how much God loves me. They showed me through prayer and scripture how to allow God to heal the pain caused by the choices I had made. By the grace of God, I was also able to forgive myself. I felt peace like I had never felt before.

If you are pregnant and fear is consuming you, please reach out to us! We can help! If you are hurting and broken due to having an abortion, please reach out to us. We offer a post abortion Bible study which will help you come to terms with the pain, guilt, and grief of an abortion.